Thursday, May 17, 2007

If you think my tits are big...

You should hear me do my Sean Connery.

Trust me, my tits will look much smaller.

Rita's Super Amazing Fantastic Uber-Fast Hollywood Weight-Loss Program!!! New and Improved!! Only exercise twice a month!!!!

There is a ridiculous amount of books being sold telling us how to lose weight with detailed instructions on what exactly to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, and sometimes how to eat (with chopsticks, chew slower), and how and when to exercise. There are so many, teaching so many different and opposing methods that really, they just all cancel each other out.

Why not just do what works for you? Why can't you just look at what you've tried and what has or hasn't worked and just take it from there? You're not that much of a sheepling, are you?

Since everyone can write a book about this bullshit, I'd like to write my own as well. Better yet, I wanna write a book about what DOESN'T work. Yeeaaaaahh!!! Oh yeah. I'm gonna gather a bunch of stories together about times where I didn't exactly exercise good will power and ate everything like a shameless food-whore with no remorse only to discover after weighing myself the next day that I'd gained three pounds. Now THAT'S quality health literature, not that mediocre doctor written and backed garbage.

This should be a compilation of stories, from all over the U.S. Why the U.S. you ask silently under your breath? Simple, it's the fattest-fuck country in the world.

Let's begin this journey of nationwide enlightenment together. This could be very big. If you're an American reading this, there's a 64% chance you're probably big. So YOU'RE big, this project could be big, let's come together!!! Send me your stories and I'll post them on here. It could be anything regarding a bad habit you have with food and/or exercise. For example, having a tiny salad just so you can douse it in dressing, or becoming vegetarian as an excuse to gorge on carbohydrates, or nearly starving all day just to end up binging at night...which I myself am guilty of...among other things.

Amuse me and yourself and see where this takes you. If nothing but to get it off your chest. Send 'em in!!!

Does masturbating, smoking cigarettes, and blaring the radio during your morning commute count as sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

If so...I've been really living the wild life lately.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

"You Drive Like a Vagina!"

Although the human vagina (the female anatomical one) has been known to endure pain a lot better than the human penis (the male anatomical one), it has for some reason come to be the subject of jokes in regards to weakness in men and sometimes women too, but you don't usually hear someone calling another woman a "pussy". At least I haven't. Maybe someone has called me one behind my back.

That would be funny.

This is really odd, especially since there was a very long period of time when men revered and feared women, who were the ones in power. And the vagina especially, terrified men because rumors and urban legends regarding the vagina and it's penis-destroying powers circulated freely, namely the "Vagina Dentata" - the toothed vagina. The vagina dentata myth appeared in many different cultures, and this idea scared men because it was believed that they would be castrated once they entered this gaping hole of doom. This myth still exists on a small scale, mostly in Freudian theories and modern pop culture. Don't take my word for it, wiki or Google it.

As a woman, the vagina used as insult fodder does bother me, but you see I'm an optimist. I try to make light of all things. Why don't we come to a compromise? "Pussy" is so crass. Tuat is too odd, cunt sounds too blunt because aside from rhyming with the word it's too short and not rhythmical enough.

It'll have to be vagina. It sounds like a European name so it won't offend women as much because lots of women kinda like European things, like Italian shoes, French lingerie, and European spas.

Spread the word.

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